Here’s a recent letter TeamWED received from a bride who’s just about at the end of her rope.
Dear TeamWED: When I chose my bridesmaids, I thought I had it made. My sister is one crafty chick. My best friend is super organized. My other best friend loves to shop. And my cousin who I’ve known since we were little kids has a great eye for fashion. It should have been the ultimate wedding prep team, but it hasn’t turned out that way. My bridesmaids just aren’t that interested in helping me plan my wedding. They even seemed less than enthusiastic about helping me design and print invitations and assemble favors! Should I be mad? Can I be mad? Signed, Bad Bride or Bad Bridesmaids?
We can’t tell you whether or not you *should* be mad, BB. It’s pretty obvious that you had certain expectations of how bridesmaids ought to behave and those expectations are not being met. And your expectations are certainly not unreasonable. Look at any list of bridesmaids’ duties and you’ll see repeated mention of the fact that bridesmaids (and in particular the maid of honor) should offer to help the bride at every turn. That could mean helping the bride shop for wedding favors, her wedding gown, or the reception venue. It might also mean assisting her in hands-on tasks like making DIY bouquets or stuffing and addressing envelopes. And sometimes it even means helping plan the reception seating chart, a boring and potentially stressful task.
Bridesmaids, as you can see, get asked to do quite a lot by their brides… or at least those brides who read those lists of bridesmaids’ duties before choosing their bridal attendants. It sounds to us, BB, like you were that kind of bride, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Brides should feel free to assume that their maid of honor and bridesmaids will be their right-hand ladies as they plan their weddings. HOWEVER, brides must also remember that their bridesmaids are adult women with their own lives and responsibilities and that those bridesmaids should feel free not to participate in certain pre-wedding and wedding planning activities.
Bridesmaids come in many flavors, from the bridesmaids who will gladly make phone calls to find out if a certain florist is available on a certain date to the bridesmaids who can handle buying their dresses on time and little else. There are also plenty of bridesmaids who fall somewhere in between. BB, before you let yourself get angry at your bridesmaids, consider whether they may want to participate in your wedding planning but simply don’t have the time or resources (or the dexterity) to do so. Consider, too, that your bridesmaids may not understand how much help you want or need, and are consequently afraid of stepping on your toes by offering to do X, Y, and Z.
Have you voiced your expectations? Did your bridesmaids know how much you expected of them before saying yes to your invitation to be a part of your wedding? Are your bridesmaids both responsible and skilled at DIY? The answers to all of these questions are important. If you really feel like you’re getting the cold shoulder from your bridesmaids where wedding-related activities are concerned, then confront them… but do it gently and with tact, lest you inadvertently offend someone who wishes they could do more. If, on the other hand, you’re not sure you’ve been clear about what you expect or you suspect that one or more of your bridesmaids has personal conflicts preventing them from helping you out, address that instead.
Good luck!
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