We hear at TeamWED get a fair number of emails from brides-to-be looking for advice. While we admit that we much prefer helping brides find their wedding dresses and bridesmaids’ dresses, we recognize that brides with parental problems need help, too. And by far the most common question we receive in this realm is from brides-to-be who are having trouble connecting in a positive way with their mother-in-law before and after the wedding. Did you just shudder, because we did! The mythical mother-in-law can be a frightening and tricky beastie… do you subdue her with subservience and kindness or stand up to her? It can be hard to tell which is the best answer!
Since, like we said, we hear these kinds of questions so often, we thought we ought to put together a kind of helpful mother-in-law primer for brides who’d like to stay on speaking terms with their MILs. To make things easier on ourselves, we’re writing mother-in-law, but you can assume that this advice applies to future MILs as well.
He’ll Always Be Her Little Boy (In Her Head)
To his momma, the groom will always be a little boy and to some moms, the bride is the bad girl who has come to steal him away. You can work this angle by asking her for advice when it comes to the general maintenance of the groom-to-be. Ask her harmless questions like “I’m having trouble coming up with meals — what foods does The Groom love?” and “How can I get The Groom to buy some new socks?” You already know the answers, but she’ll be pleased that her little boy still needs her… especially when you’re planning his wedding.
Clear Roles Keep Confusion at Bay
She’s the mom. You’re the future wife. Don’t try to baby The Groom, but don’t let your future mother-in-law dictate where you spend the holidays… where you take your honeymoon… who will perform your wedding, etc. The Groom may be his momma’s son, but you’re an autonomous human being, which means that you shouldn’t be taking orders from your mother-in-law. When you’re in her house, she can be the boss. And when she’s in your house (or your life) your mother-in-law needs to remember that you rule the roost.
Your Man’s Mom Is His Responsibility
When you and your mother-in-law clash, you’ll be happy to know that it’s her little boy’s responsibility to deal with her… provided she’s in the wrong. If you’ve been a wee bit too harsh (HELLO WEDDING STRESS!), you’re on the hook for apologizing. But if your mother-in-law is treating you like something that came out of the back end of a dog, it’s time for your man to step up and confront the big bad momma. Doing this now while you’re still planning the wedding sets a good precedent for your marriage.
Mothers-In Law Aren’t Monsters
You heard us right! Much like the wicked stepmother, the wicked mother-in-law is an outlier, not a given. Your relationship with your mother-in-law will be a lot better right from the start if you assume good intentions… even when she’s driving you crazy. Maybe she’s trying to control the wedding? She probably just wants to make sure her baby’s big day is special. Does she try to run your household? Maybe she wants to make your life easier. Assume she means well, and she’ll do the same for you when you’re not the sweetest of daughters-in-law.
Be So Diplomatic It Kills You
Unless your mother-in-law is the world’s biggest witch-with-a-B you can assume your husband isn’t going to drop her like a hot rock at the first sign of discord. Unless you and your fiance are living with his folks, you probably don’t even see your mother-in-law that much. It might hurt to be nice sometimes, but gritting your teeth and slapping on a fake smile once and a while won’t actually kill you. You’ll be doing your sweetheart a big favor by making nice with his momma.
If All Else Fails, Ignore Her
We all have caller ID by now, so if you see her number flashing on your cell, don’t pick up. Let your husband know that if his mom is asking for you that you’re not home. Communicate via e-mail as much as possible, and keep visits to a minimum. But do all this diplomatically so your mother-in-law doesn’t feel like she’s getting the cold shoulder, before or after the wedding.
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