The only thing TeamWED loves more than answering reader questions is champagne, and we get a lot more emails from brides-to-be than we do bottles of free champagne. With that in mind, here’s a query from a reader with a big soon-to-be family and an upcoming wedding:
Whenever I dreamed of my wedding as a kid, a teen, and a college student, I always pictured an elegant evening affair that included plenty of cocktails and dancing the night away. I guess it may sound a little mean or a little pretentious, but I never ever pictured any kids there. Fast forward to me in the present, where I’m engaged to a great guy… who just happens to come from a huge family that includes lots and lots of kids. We haven’t discussed it, but I get the feeling that my fiancé is going to want the kids there. I still don’t want them there. Is that okay, from an etiquette point of view?
Kids at weddings… kids at weddings! We get more questions about kids at wedding than you can possible imagine. Whether the inquirers call in a kids-free wedding or an adults-only wedding, it amounts to the same thing: a wedding without little ones. Kids bring so much joy to our lives, but sometimes we all want a little grownup time.
The good news is that it’s all right to have an adults-only wedding, but you do have to take care to get the word out. Technically, all the bride and groom should have to do is not include kids’ names on wedding invitations addressed to people with kids, but we all know it’s not that easy. Wedding guests assume that if they’re invited, their kids must also be welcome. Do it anyway. Address your wedding invitations using the full names of adults invited to the wedding, both on the outer envelope and on the inner envelope if you have one. Then spread the word that yours will be an adults-only wedding on the sly through your parents, your friends, the bridesmaids and groomsmen… make sure that you mention casually in conversation that you’re looking forward to a very grownup wedding. If you receive RSVP cards with kids’ names on them, contact the sender directly to let them know that you’re having an adults-only wedding. The easiest way to avoid having younger children at weddings without having to tell people outright that yours will be an adults-only wedding is to plan a late evening wedding with a reception that continues well into the night. You may still want to spread the word if you know parents likely to drag their poor kids out to a late night party, but consider yourself pretty much in the clear otherwise.
So, yes, where etiquette is concerned, you’re in the clear. TeamWED would like to know whether you’re planning on discussing this with your fiancé? If he has grown up going to weddings where children were always invited, he may be a little put out that you’re not open to the idea of having lots and lots of ankle biters running around the reception touching everything with their cake-smeared fingers. We recommend that you both broach the topic of kids at weddings ASAP and approach the topic very gently and politely. Just as you’ve been dreaming of that perfect adults-only wedding since you were wee, he may have been dreaming of a family free for all since he was old enough to know what a wedding was (and actually care).
Good luck, and let us know how things turn out!
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